How do I find value/purpose?

I am a Christian. Seems like that should do it, huh?

I help with a prison ministry, teach children, am an accomplished musician,help on the worship team, counsel others, paint (acrylics), design and build furniture, design and sew handbags %26amp; diaper bags, have a book published, design and make jewelry, garden,have lost 100 pounds over the last two years, plus many other accomplishments. Because of a car accident, I'm in chronic pain, so running,etc. is out, but I have worked my way from a wheelchair to part time with a cane. Yet, still I hear my mother telling me that if I weren't her daughter, she wouldn't like me, and she wished I wasn't her daughter...even though I have many friends. I wonder whether I'm stupid, even though I've written and performed in plays, and composed music. No, I'm sure I'm stupid and useless. I've seen counsellors. I'm on meds. Where do I go from here? My mind is telling me self-mutilation and death but I think that's evidence of illness, not a path choice.

How do I find value/purpose?
You are so talented and accomplished!! I'm having trouble typing because there are tears in my eyes. Your mother is a very sick and troubled person. I once had a friend whose mother had remarried when she was very young. Her step-father used to beat her, then make her clean her own blood off the walls. When she was in her thirties, she would go see them on the weekend and work like a dog cleaning their house. No matter how much she did, when she was leaving, her mother would say, "You didn't clean the other bathroom! There's still a load of laundry to be done!" I asked her, "Why do you try so hard to please them? Why do you care?" She said, "I just want them to love me." Some people are incapable of love. They only live to hurt the people who care about them. I'm not saying you should hate your mother. She' sick. But you need to move on. Do not let her disability define YOUR life. She will be miserable no matter what. You can't help her, but you can help yourself. Distance yourself in whatever way you can. Make a life for yourself. You sound like a very competent person. If you live with her, move out. YOUR LIFE IS AT STAKE!!! Please, please email me. I feel such a connection with you. Good luck and God bless.
Reply:Do not let your mother judge you like that! She is the stupid one for thinking you are so! This is absurd. Who knows what is going on with her and if you try to figure it out YOU will probably be the one that gets hurt. I think you can still love you mother, but you don't have to have her in your life as much! It's ok. If she helps you to feel this misery then don't be w/ her. You sound like an amazing person so don't let what she tells you get in the way. I feel that you may have accomplished all these things to help her to love you more. This will not work! Just love you and do the things that YOU want out of life! Good lUCK!
Reply:I too am a Christian and have asked myself this very questions at several times during my life. From my experience, the toughest times in my life (divorce, financial difficulties, changing friends, etc.) it has been hard to find value/purpose. When I am facing the challenge, I look for the lesson in the hardship. I look at my obedience to God. I accept that I am not perfect and certainly not perfect in anyone's eyes (including my mother). I try and do something that I love when I need to get away from what is troubling me. Watching the wind, hearing the birds, going to the beach or even a library can ease some of the hurt. It sounds like you have many talents and maybe the pain you are experiencing may have manifested from the inside out. This will be a true test for you- don't let your true talents fall to the wayside. Sometimes, counselors can help you identify the areas in which you need support. Maybe the medications can help- I am not an expert. You ask "where do you go from here"....find the one person you can talk to....even if it is God. YOU listen to your heart and love yourself.......nobody can take that away from you! I was once told...."you may fall, but you cannot fall off the ground"! That has helped me in many situations! I will say a little prayer for you.....remain patient :)

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